Function Name Contest
How about a contest? Post a clever sentence/paragraph using only the Excel function names.
Here's a not-so-clever example:
a LARGE IMAGINARY ROUND POISSON PI PRODUCT YIELDs LOWER AVERAGE PRICE.
Official Rules: You can make the functions plural, use simple variants (such as “ing” and “ed”), and even add a few minor non-function words (a, the, etc.) to facilitate coherency. Contest ends in a few days.
The best entry (as judged by me) gets a free autographed copy of a non-English translation of one of my Excel books. Maybe even this one:
Hi! Had some transylvanian fun with my functional paragraph. Hope I’m not late:
Dcount isna false and islogical, proper pearson. Besseli if not true. Isna imaginary, iseven complex fact. Isodd not received mina sign. Search and find small rounds int left collar. Countblank! Not prob! Isna tan now: not sum type. Lookup ceiling find countif not true!
If I submit a non-english excel sentice, do I get a copy of your English book?
What about this one:
de GROOTSTE HERHALING van een ZELFDE VAST GEHEEL AANTAL GELIJKe ROMEINSe TEKENs ISGEENTEKST (OF NIET een HYPERLINK ADRES).
in plain english:
The biggest repetition of a same constant integer number of equal roman characters is not a text (nor a hyperlink address)
in EXCEL Functional Language:
the LARGE REPT of a SAME FIXED TRUNC COUNT EXACT ROMAN CHARs ISNONTEXT (OR NOT a HYPERLINK ADDRESS)
The large round Roman columns received today not clean, replace now.
PRODUCT of COMPLEX TEXT CONCATENATEd by PROPER CODEs AND OR VALUEs RECEIVED NOMINAL TIME TODAY, NOT!
Right finds imaginary false search powers now proper; Left floored.
“Lookup today and convert–choose not sin, error, or false substitutes—replace sin’s power now!”
Look at that, religion right there in Excel, J-Walk!
Syd Pearson’s standardized “exact pi value” matches “an imaginary Fisher-Price product,” reasoned small-time types.
oops, that last one uses a non-Excel function. How about this instead:
Syd Pearson’s standardized “exact pi value” substituted “an imaginary Fisher-Price product,” small-time types forecasted.
I think this one was in my email last week:
YEN? YIELD TODAY! CALL DELTA RIGHT NOW (CELL: 555-5555) AND DGET IMAGINARY EDATE, PHONETIC STEYX, OR PROPER DATE. EVEN CHOOSE TAN TRIM KURT IF SUM LARGE ABS COUNT! INFO: HOUR DURATION, AVERAGE PRICE. TRUE VALUE!!!
The SMALL GROWTH below my ABS ISODD AND hard to FIND but it’s CLEAN.
Here’s one that follows the rules a little more closely. I couldn’t resist on my last submission : )
EDATES are IMAGINARY SUBSITUTEs for DATES without the ADRESS, PRICE OR DURATION
oops spelled address wrong…should be
EDATEs are IMAGINARY SUBSITUTEs for DATEs without the ADDRESS, PRICE OR DURATION
TRIM a LARGE ROUND LOG AND FIND LEFT a SMALL SIGN of GROWTH.
That PEARSON CHARacter ISODD.
Roundup dates on Match! Search small, large, odd, proper—and any areas! Choose a date frequency, rank, and find a match! And now, lower prices!
RECEIVED MINUTE PI N T: NOMINAL EFFECT
RECEIVED LARGE PI N T: CONFIDENCE
RECEIVED SECOND PI N T: IMAGINARY COMPLEX
RECEIVED LARGE PI N T: FLOOR
KURT FISHER LEFT FOR a DATE WITH DELTA TODAY.
A short script: North of England, stage directions in brackets …
['N average weekday. Max Fisher, Syd Roman and Kurt Weibull find Len Pearson]
Len: … received cell-call even …
Len: … or text
Syd: N-n-n-not now!
Len: Lookup now Syd - isna t’ match day?
Syd: T-t-t-true, not today.
Max: Na, second round even if forecast isna right
Kurt: Fixed ceiling Syd?
Sid: N-n-n-not proper slope
Kurt: Complex effect …
[Sid: delta "varp" and Kurt left.]
Len: Upper today Syd?
Syd: Na, PMT :o(
Len: Prob. time t’ month …
Max: D’Average Day, Right
Kurt [offset]: “Find Sum time Max”
Max: Cos Today, Match Day, Second Round
Syd: Iseven imreal????
[Syd: "varp, varp" and Syd left.]
Max: Clean T’ Floor Syd!
Syd: Call Char t’ clean floor …
TRUE FACT, TODAY KURT AND DELTA PEARSON CHOOSE on a WORKDAY to TRIM a SMALL FALSE UPPER CEILING, AND EVEN CLEAN an ODD YIELD SIGN, for a SECOND TIME, IF on a WEEKDAY TRENT FISHER FIXED the IMAGINARY SKEW EFFECT AND SLOPE of the ROWS on a LARGE LOWER FALSE LOG TYPE FLOOR, AND IF the EXACT PRICE would OFFSET OR MATCH the TRUE MEDIAN PRODUCT VALUE OF an AVERAGE ROUND ROMAN DOLLAR.
I wanted to try and get 50+ FUNCTIONS in one sentance and still make sense without too many extra words.
In doing this I notice a lack of women’s names in Excel functions, as opposed to Max, Kurt, Len, etc, on the men’s side. Anyways, here’s my rather morbid entry:
Cell ceiling lowers hour by hour, but sum choose not even to lookup. Power of false confidence. Small time left.
Cheers!
Large Kurt Pearson Chooses To Skew The Facts! Lower Kurt’s Power and rank! Substituting a clean type now islogical! Hyperlink: http://www.notkurtpearson.com
Hey! Why are you so against me?
TODAY’s NOT the RIGHT DAY AND NOW’s NOT the RIGHT MINUTE; I’d LIKE to CHOOSE a PROPER TIME.
TODAY The FORCAST GROWTH AND POWER of the ROMAN DOLLAR will YIELD a LARGE AVERAGE YEAR to DATE FIXED RATE QUOTIENT.
Here is one that isn’t too long, but uses the Functions as is.
I was going to announce the winner TODAY — RIGHT NOW, but I can’t decide. So I’ll do it on WednesDAY. It’s going to be a tough CALL to CHOOSE the best one.
A LARGE DURATION LOWERs the IMAGINARY EFFECT, so CHOOSE with CONFIDENCE.
“So I’ll do it on WednesDAY” –JWalk
I would like to point out that today is Thursday.
AND in 6 DAYs TIME it will therefore be?